28DCD Day Eight: Sex and Romance

Elspeth doesn't really understand the rules of romance and courtship.  Andil was the first person she ever loved romantically, but there was no courtship really.  Their romance naturally evolved from their friendship.  And none of the boys in Bruma were interested—and even if they were, most of them were afraid of her and the ones that weren't were terrified of Xeri.

With respect to sex, Elspeth doesn't really have any hang-ups in terms of her general opinions and beliefs. However, because of personal experience, she associates physical intimacy with emotional intimacy and likely wouldn't seek out casual sexual encounters.  Growing up, there was never any shame attached to it—nor really any expectations of it being something sacred. Xeri believed and continues to believe that courtship and physical intimacy are unnecessary distractions.  She made this quite clear.  Runa, on the other hand, had a very open mind and was supportive of adolescent experimentation.  She didn't explicitly encourage anything, but Elspeth knew that she would never get in trouble if Runa ever caught her fooling around.

But from the age 13 and onward, Elspeth's life was so closely scrutinized by Xeri that she was unable to do anything without feeling Xeri's watchful gaze on her at all times.  This made matters of intimacy quite difficult. The purge and subsequent confrontation with Xeri (the one that resulted in her scar) helped change that but it wasn't until she left Cyrodiil that she was able to break free of that mentality.

Her first kiss was just about the sweetest thing you could ever possibly imagine.  If Elspeth had free time, she spent it with Andil.  After long weekends training in the mountains, she would often be so sick of Xeri that she would head straight to Andil's house when they returned to Bruma.  She would arrive at his home, worn out and dirty, strip out of her armor down to her woolies*, and either collapse on a bearskin on his bedroom floor or take a bath.  All this time, Andil's been growing up, hormones raging, and catching glances of his best friend in the bath—can you imagine?  

So, one day after a particularly grueling training session in which Elspeth failed to meet every single goal that Xeri set, she was feeling defeated and miserable.  Andil's mother was away, visiting a friend in a nearby village.   Elspeth arrived, and after cleaning up, collapsed into a crying mess on the floor.  Andil and Elspeth had been affectionate before so she wasn't surprised when he pulled her to a sitting position and hugged her.  Nor was she surprised when he kissed her cheek.  But she was completely surprised when he kissed her on the lips.  She hadn't really thought about him that way but that changed within moments.  My gods those first kisses were sweet.  Once tongue was involved, however, I imagine that it was much like Bobby in the Kids in the Hall sketch "First Poem."  

Elspeth's first experience with sex, however, was not quite as sweet—well, it was sort of sweet in its own way.  But mostly it was unspeakably awkward.  So much so that I changed my mind about writing this as a flashback because I felt so bad for poor Andil.  Also, the only thing more painful for me than writing good sex is, well, not-so-good sex.  It calls to mind the scene in Biloxi Blues when Matthew Broderick's character lost his virginity. Afterward, however, there was lots of giggling and naked snuggling.   She was 16 years old.

Once they started kissing, things began to escalate and Andil started sneaking over to Elspeth's house when everyone was in bed.  Elspeth was never able to fully enjoy herself, however.  She was always distracted, convinced that Xeri would barge in on them.  Even the few times they were together elsewhere—at his house or somewhere outside—she couldn't let herself go.  And Andil tried so hard to help her.  Nevertheless, if she could think about Andil without her head and heart seizing up, she would look fondly on this time—the way he would wrap his arms around hers and nuzzle her neck, or trace the contours of her face with his fingertips.  He was obsessed with her ears and he used to wonder if their children would retain any of his Bosmer features at all.  

When Xeri threw her back into training after the purge, Elspeth stopped thinking about these moments.  She tried to shut down that part of herself that craved intimate touch.  For a long time she was convinced that Xeri was right.  Desire was a distraction and best avoided.  Of course, this was easy enough to do alone in the mountains.  

Things became slightly more difficult when she met the Nord mage with the playful eyes and the incredible smile.  When Onmund showed interest (and did so openly, without any games or confusing signals), however, she didn't resist it.  She was nervous but she was so starved for affection that she welcomed his embrace.  With respect to sexual intimacy, this is the first time she's been able to open up completely. Elspeth is falling for Onmund.  And while parts of her yearn to be with him and long to bury all her grief and sorrow and anxiety in his loving arms, she's also terrified.  


*Basically, long underwear.